I am the ultimate “take it for granted” prodigal daughter.
Ok, so I haven’t gambled away my inheritance demanded from still-living parents and lived with pigs to prove I’m independent, just to head home with my head down. But hear me out.
I walk into an interview, flustered and running late -the Number One Interview Don’t- laughing at and chiding myself, thinking, man if ever there were a situation in my life where i can undoubdtedly say, if [I ever hear back from them], it won’t be anything but God…
Of course, at the same time I’m berating myself for not even giving it a fighting chance- the whole, yeah, God has His plans, but you can’t just sit back like a bum and wait for them to unfold! (I’m sorry, apparently my mind is in a constant state of confusion and contradictions over God’s omnipotence)
I walk out and hear from them the next day. Skeptical, I think, wow, if they decided so quickly, and they decided on me, well..must’ve been desperate! Then I take it a step further and wonder, does this mean I’ll be taken advantage of? Is there something weird going on that I’m not seeing? Maybe I’m meant to learn to be cautious now….this could be a temptation from anti-God!
What in the heck is wrong with me? How did I get turned the complete 180?? Whatever happened to trusting God with my life, fully knowing that His plans will always be better than mine? (of course, I had planned a month of fun traveling, while His plans now include a bit of stress and discipline and well..work. ah well.) (I hope you can hear the light hearted humor in that and not think I’m an ungrateful complainer…Internet and tone don’t always go well together, and this is actually kinda serious, haha. I’m actually a big fan of God’s seemingly ironic humor, and it makes me smile to think that He noticed me planning in feb instead of apr, for once in my life, and decided, well, this seems as good a time as any, let’s see if yw takes this opportunity to get back on track to the real world! ..I definitely needed some words of wisdom and a touch of persuasion, haha)
I don’t know how true this rings, but I can see how people around me may think I have had an easy life, silver platters and all. Overwhelmingly blessed, though I definitely do not deserve any of it. Again, with the amazing people -family, friends, other- and all the opportunities I couldn’t even dream about. (or maybe I’m thinking too highly of my life and having irrational pride in it, which means I need to be kicked off my high horse.) but many times I wonder, why me? I’ve already had so much, why more? I don’t deserve any of it…and others, maybe, do. They’ve worked harder, tried harder, appreciate You more, do more for others, love You more. Why..me?
And the thing is, no matter how much, or how little, I get, I’m never gonna earn any of it. I’ll never deserve any of it. (well, maybe the bad stuff, haha.) that’s why everything God has given us is a gift. Jesus was the greatest gift. Grace is a gift. My life and everything about it is a gift.
I hope none of you read this feeling jealous, or upset at my blessings. Because I agree with you, I don’t deserve it. If it were my choice to make, I would hope to give it -whatever it is- to people more deserving. But I hope you can see how God is gracious. How life isn’t fair – but not in that bad way. I hope you can see blessings in your life, too, because there are certainly things in your lives that I wouldn’t mind having in mine, parts of your stories that sometimes I wish were part of mine. (overall, though, I think I like my life the most, and I hope you feel the same about yours.)
I know this time has been a peak, and I might not gush the same way during the valleys. It’s a good reminder to come back upon, though. And we all know how much I love dwelling on and returning to the past!
Anyway, just wanted to publicly say thanks, Father God. You are undoubtedly good, and my undeserving life is but a testimony.
*sorry for the length. I woke up at about 5am, couldn’t sleep bc it’s getting a little hot now..started talking to God, and wondered, why am I not telling others how good He is?? #noexcuses