haven’t posted in awhile. i’m getting more and more anxious now, while not really doing anything. i don’t understand myself, i just know i haven’t changed since 5..6..7 years ago. at this point, i don’t really see a point in harboring false optimism, so i just..go along, just waiting for it to be over. sometimes i think, why am i doing this? do i like it? am i good at it? is this meant to be?

and i don’t know. i can’t tell.

what’s in my future? please tell me…

 

in the meantime, here’s some honesty:

in response to someone asking “how’s it going?” (referring to my studying)

“my studying’s been up and down. i do ok one day, and when i think i’m finally on the right track, i fall behind another few days/lectures. and i’m running out of time to make up for it..i think its because i have a tendency to run away when things get hard, to take the easy path, and it’s always easier to procrastinate and leave everything for tomorrow (until there are no tomorrow’s left) while clearing it out of my mind so i don’t have to worry about things for the moment. but the moment stretches on and becomes the day. and the day stretches on and becomes longer than the day. like how i hate responsibility haha. i don’t want to grow up…. and studying’s hard and not fun, so i just give myself a break. break turns long, and i’m like, well i dont’ wanna worry about it now, i’ll save it for more worrying tomorrow. and usually i tell people that i’m just trying and going along (borderline lie), that it’s just hard (this part is true), because i don’t want them to worry for me, because then i’ll have to worry about it as well, which is what i’m trying to shield myself from. does that make sense?
and then i don’t wanna tell you guys about it because i’m asking you guys to pray about it (as i am too), but then what’s the point of prayer when i don’t really try hard and give it my all? but i guess it’s all for God to figure out…

so how’s it going? i try harder some days than others.”

 

i’d like to look back at this one day and realize that i’ve grown up. finally.

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