confession: sometimes i want to confess, but i don’t know who to turn to.
yes, we confess to God, but sometimes, to practically apply what we hear about, we’re told to confess/discuss with those around us. and..at this point, i don’t know who “those around” me are. no offense meant to those currently around me, i do consider you guys friends. but i feel like the few that i might be comfortable sharing with either..don’t go to the same church as me and thus don’t know the context, as listening to the podcast would unfairly give them more to do and wouldn’t be possible until some time afterward anyway… or they don’t go to church…
i miss my sophomore year, when there’d be times of discussion and reflection centering around the week’s sermon..
confession: this is probably yet another excuse i use to keep in the darkness issues that would be better off in the light.
if i had to relate it one of the three mentioned this morning (sin of cynicism, sin of justification, sin of habit)… i think it’s a branch off of justification – i don’t confess even when i want to because there’s no one there to confess to/ listen.
and also it’d probably be highly uncomfortable.
and maybe i just want to right now so it can happen on my own terms, instead of God randomly humiliating me in front of everyone. there’s some sort of element of control if i do it, right?
so maybe i shouldn’t after all….so when it happens, it’ll be on God’s terms and not mine? i don’t think i have enough faith and trust practically-speaking. my head “knows,” but…
confession: these confessions are merely the superficial ones that i’m willing to share with random others.
i wonder if my permanent church home will be like austin stone, where i feel like everything applies every week, where i’m affected by every word.
but then again, maybe this isn’t a good thing – i’ve been here over three years and have not gotten past the “attending sunday service, but nothing else” phase. even with a car this year.
i feel impacted almost every sermon, but after a few minutes, a few hours, it wears off and i’m no better than i was before.
i think this makes me a parasite…
to keep in mind: humility and humiliation have the same roots. better to suffer humiliation than to be prideful..something i struggle mightily with.