i’m starting to feel like this semester has been a waste…

don’t get me wrong, i’ve enjoyed hanging out with people (the few that i hang out with, on more and more rare occasions). i’ve just suddenly “hermitted” up over the past couple of months, though, and i really don’t understand why. i’m definitely an introvert, through and through, but this hasn’t stopped me from being a tad more social in the past 4 years here in college. so what’s different this year… it’s slightly baffling – i think there’s a ton i still haven’t figured out about myself yet. not only have i physically hung out less with people around me, but i’ve also stopped being as chatty online, which i haven’t done over an extended period of time for..well..ever. for reasons unknown to me, it’s more taxing now to keep up conversations – actually, maybe it’s because my life has become boring and thus there’s nothing to talk about. so i don’t.

on a sidenote, i find it really hard to give real answers when people ask me straight up questions. especially the vague general ones. it’s ok if you don’t expect anything, because i’ll probably give one or two-word responses, but when you seem to be waiting for a really long, in-depth and substantial reply….i don’t have one. the only way conversations keep flowing is if you talk first, and then i find a tangent to relate to and talk about that. unless i really do have a story to tell, which doesn’t happen very frequently. because (and it’s even more true these days), i really don’t think there’s much in my life important/exciting enough to share with others…. and i’d much rather hear other people’s stories =)

 

so not only have i randomly hermitted up in most aspects of my life, i’ve also lost all motivation for school. which shouldn’t happen at this point because i still need a job, unlike the other 99% of my classmates with set permanent jobs as of one year ago. it would make sense, wouldn’t it?, for this real need to kick me into gear, in an attempt to fix my mediocre grades of the past years. except it hasn’t. instead, i’ve prolonged my procrastination (i didn’t even know it was possible), doing homework right before it’s due, studying a mere hour or so before the exams – and again, skipping as needed – something i told myself i’d cut down on because i have the time to do things the night, if not day, before. what’s wrong with me…

and it’s not even like i’m busy with anything. i have NOTHING to do. except waste it all on tv and internet and reading. reading, though, i consider less of a waste. but seriously. even when i cut out internet, the day still flies by, and before i know it, i’m persuading myself to sleep, that i can wake up and get things done in the morning. except i don’t WANT to. i want to spend my mornings on other things, not on stress over homework that’s due. but i don’t listen to myself…
it’s like the serpent within me, tempting my adam/eve (decidedly human and extremely weak) self…where’s my God-side (Holy Spirit helper fighter) to dominate?
yes, i am now envisioning this like the marvel vs capcom game, with fighters in the background you can call to sub in with a push of a button…

 

there has always been a block between my head and everything else about me. i always know what i should do – be more social, eat with people more, hang out with people more, say yes sometimes instead of no all the time…. DO HOMEWORK the day before it’s due, before sleeping! – but it’s like my body is disconnected and my will is pulling it the other way. don’t. and in the end, that reasonable side of my head loses out. all. the. time.

 

i keep looking forward to a better “next time” but whenever “next time” becomes “this time,” i look for the “next time” once again…

maybe this is why i enjoy going home a lot. because i get to be a kid again, prolonging the growing up part. because honestly, i think i fail miserably at growing up.

 

 

i can think of one glaring reason how i’m different this year than previously, and it might be the root to all these other things. but again, i’m not sure how to get my one intelligent thinking area to broadcast to the rest of me.

Please, help me change. Please?

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