i’ve been randomly waking up at 730 for a few days now. not that i actually get up at that time, since i feel it’s ridiculously early given the circumstances. given that i no longer have class at 8, 9, or 930. given that i no longer have to wake up to do homework for those early classes – though i probably will have to wake up much earlier than that to cram my way through my two upcoming finals. given that i’ve been consistently sleeping after 4 over the weekend. so i open my eyes, look at the time, roll over, and continue sleeping.

except this kind of sleep is discontinuous, and i’ve always been told that people feel more rested upon the continuous completion of a multiple of their REM cycle – on a sidenote, i don’t even know what my true REM cycle is. 1.5 hours of sleep doesn’t give me rest..though sometimes 3 hours does.

anyway, when i half awoke at 730 this morning, i realized something about myself. i think i’ve always known it, but never really verbalized it in this manner. i greatly dislike it when friends have fun without me. it’s a foolish sentiment, i know, but no matter how much i tell myself how unpractical it is, i can’t help feeling hurt whenever i learn that i was left out and not invited to things. i used to think it was because i’m easily friend-jealous, which i think i still am, to some extent, but i’ve realized that my emotions are less a result of being jealous that my friends are doing things with other people, and more of just disappointment that my friends are doing things without me. i’m not sure if the difference can be understood, but that’s how my brain is throwing out at the moment.

i think this plays a big role in how i invite people to events i plan – though i’ve told myself to give up planning as a new year’s resolution…not sure how well i’ve done, as i can’t remember if i’ve actually planned anything this year… this is a tangent, but i feel that when i plan something informal (aka not a birthday event, just a random hangout type thing), people don’t feel as bad about backing out last minute, or saying “ok!” but actually meaning “maybe” in case something else (another “better” event) comes along. maybe because it’s easier to do this to someone you know better, but i guess i view it more harshly and take it as disrespect. sorry if this is me going overboard.

wow, that was a long tangent. going back to how i invite people – earlier in the year, i asked people if they invited because they wanted their invitees to come, or if they didn’t want to leave people out. (oh, another thing about me is that sometimes questions pop into my head, and i end up asking many people that question throughout the week just to hear different points of views and responses.) i really thought there was a distinct difference in the choices, that it would be more of a balance in replies, but most of the answers were along the lines of “why would i invite someone if i didn’t want them to come?”
and i understand that, but it’s not like i invite people i [don’t want] to show up, but sometimes i invite people that are outside the sphere of who i [want] to show up, so they don’t feel left out. again, less than understandable, but it’s a matter of [not positive], rather than plain [negative]. if i didn’t like someone and didn’t want them there, i wouldn’t even think about inviting them – well, depending on the level of dislike i guess, but there aren’t that many people on this list, if any… on the other hand, there are some people who may not be close friends personally, but who are in the same circle of friends i want to invite. see the difference?
except now i see how big of a hassle it is, and how many people are in the different circles of friends my close friends are in (college has turned me into a semi-floater, which i don’t necessarily enjoy all the time, as my dream future has always been a la “Friends” the tv show.. one close group of friends where everyone is close to each other, versus..a spider, where my close friends (legs) are only close to me (body)). i’ve also seen previous parties i’ve thrown in the past (end of high school, beg of college), where my friends talk to a few others but not to everyone else, so it becomes different groups of people just..there.
so i’ve concluded that my way of doing things doesn’t work, which is why i stopped the semi-big birthday celebrations two years ago. which is why when people bugged me about my 21st birthday earlier in the year, i steadfastly refused. because truly, it’s too much of a hassle. but i do appreciate it that people remember and try to make it special.
it’s not like i hate my birthday and want people to ignore it, just that i hate planning and don’t like random people saying meaningless things if they don’t talk to me… (fb wall posts). and like i’ve mentioned before, to me, words mean a lot more than things, though i’m grateful for both, don’t get me wrong.

um ok. this tangent has gone on for really long; my original planned entry was nothing like this at all. i guess this is what happens when my fingers are left to themselves on a keyboard…
so thus ends this entry, and hopefully my other thoughts make it into a near future one.

Advertisements