when i think “things happen or don’t happen for a greater purpose” and when i see signs, do i do so because of my belief? or do i stretch for these things, to rationalize such belief…
for example, when i am slightly hurt because something doesn’t happen, but something “better” comes along (not necessarily better in direct comparison, just an opportunity that is more rare, etc), and i reason that hey – maybe that first thing wasn’t meant to happen because God had this new thing for me all along…. i feel like i’m just using “God” as a reason to avoid being so petty…
and so i use “God” and “faith” to make myself feel better, i use “life works out” to make myself feel better.. so is my faith real? i stretch to make connections, to see “signs” in every aspect of life… is my faith real?
I think so. Because I do believe what I believe. I do believe that God sent Jesus to die for us, to cleanse our really ugly slate so that we could be with Him again, despite our many shortcomings.
So… i’m taking advantage of my faith in Christ. i’m using Him for my own selfish purposes and reasons. Which doesn’t mean I’m not a Christ-follower, just that.. i’m not a very good one..
So what am I grateful for?
– an all-knowing and forgiving God – He’s just, but at the same time He never runs out of forgiveness and patience. and i take advantage of this… instead of putting my all into a real relationship with Him, i keep making Him reach out to me and putting in the minimal effort… why? i’m stupid.
– a loving family who’s always been there for me, to annoy me and bug me, to support me and love me, to cheer me up, to grow me. and i DEFINITELY take advantage of them, for i know that they’re always going to be there for me, no matter what. so i always spend more time and more effort cultivating..
– my friends – the cynic in me says that they’ll never be as dependable as the above two, that they have their shortcomings and will fail my standards from time to time. they’ll disappoint and hurt [me]. but they’re my friends – they bring out different aspects of myself. they’re there for me to talk to. they’re there for hanging out. they’re not always there, but there comes a point where it’s more fun with friends.
– fellowship – i can’t honestly say that it’s perfect and that everyone is forever happy and we’re all best friends. but this fellowship has been a huge part of my college life, and its comforting to know that, if asked, acquaintances would be willing to at the very least, pray for you. and that’s a lot.
in other news, it’s been a long week.. slept at 930 on tues (woke up at..730), at 12ish on wed (to wake up bright and early at 515), finally took a short walk around campus, swiped people and ate tgiving dinner on campus, watched new moon, got obsessed with jacob’s on-screen character, slept at 3? 4? 5? woke up at 1130.. cleaning coolers, getting another stamp on my stamp card (1 left before a swipe card!), tgiving banquet, hanging out with fun people, and now.. sleep at 430am. with band hero. a bunch of it. scattered around the week, amongst different friends.
dang it’s been a fun week.
tgiving break begins tuesday at 330pm. time to get a-packing. and a-hwing+studying. fun fun fun.