my head is all a-jumble.
to journal or to blog?

and so the good, bittersweet reminders will be written down, visible to the public who still occasionally read through this old old xanga. and hopefully it will be an encouragement for you and for myself, as i am prone to rereading and reminiscing so so much..

After several weeks of disciplining myself to get back into God’s word, to learn more about Him in a personal manner.. I was reminded again that God acts in my life in unforeseeable ways. Everything I do, everything I hear, everything I say – nothing happens without intention.

And perhaps at times I reach for signs of Him, so desperate to feel His presence that I grasp at anything at all – and it’s a stretch, I know. I cling to His promises and tell myself that God is more than enough. Because He is… right? So why do I crave man’s love and approval so much? Why do I place more value in how the world goes, rather than in the knowledge that I am safe in God’s arms – in His unfailing love? Even with my loving family – why do I appreciate their love and turn to them for approval when other aspects aren’t as encouraging, instead of turning to God, who loves me so much more that it’s unfathomable? Why do I keep rejecting God’s love, telling Him that He isn’t actually enough for me, because I need more?
How much more do I need?
I could keep blaming this on the “human” side of me, but wasn’t I made in His image, and shouldn’t it be something I strive for? In the words of Natalie Grant, “there’s no such thing as perfect people” true, but we shouldn’t just settle- we should aim higher?
Actually, false. We should do things because of God’s love, not because we want to earn God’s love and try to be “good enough” for it because..we aren’t. and in this case, i think i’m trying too hard to be good enough, as compared to being good for God.

My thoughts are running away from me, splitting off into more and more tangents more quickly than I can organize them…

that proceeding paragraph wasn’t even in my original outline that i drew up in my mind =(

i just wanted to say that God never acts randomly..something i further realized this past weekend.
for the past 3-4 semesters, i’ve been working for the business school as a videographer – i film ba324 presentations so students can look over them afterwards.
on friday, i filmed 2 classes and then headed off to kins to meet someone for lunch. as i was walking there, someone started waving in my general direction. since i didn’t recognize her at all, i kept walking – with a half smile just in case i did know them but forgot. as i walked past her, she started talking to me – “hi! were you the one filming for our ba324 class today?” oh. whoops. so she was waving to me after all >.>
since she was heading to a restaurant in the same general direction i was going, i was able to walk with her and get to know her better… not sure if we’ll end up being friends or whatnot, but with God – you never know what He has planned.
that night was aacm’s annual hoedown. i saw a friend who was getting some water with her friend, whom i had never met. so as i began talking with my friend, she introduced me to her friend, who responded with “were you in my ba324 class today?” after staring at her blankly for a few moments (awkward), i realized what she meant, and that yes, i had been in her class earlier that day.

so after 3-4 semesters of doing my job just to do it and to get paid, God has shown me that my life is like a puzzle – eventually, in His time, everything will match up and form a clear picture of which only He knows as of now. Things happen for a reason, and it’s time I don’t take that for granted.
Even the bad times. As 1 Corinthians notes, God’s comfort comes from suffering – and when we experience suffering and the comfort that God gives us, we should use it to comfort others who are suffering as well – pay it forward, if you will.
So take heart – life moments, be they good or bad, happen for a purpose down the road in the future.

2 instances are already amazing, right?
Instead, God chose to grace me with more signs today at Stone. I guess since I’ve been asking for His presence and for Him to speak to me in a way I would listen, I should have expected this.
Matt Carter began his sermon today with a reference to Steve Jobs’ famous pitch: “would you rather spend your life making sugared water, or do you want to make a difference?” (paraphrased since i’m too lazy to search for the real thing)
before that past Thursday, I had never heard of that quote in my life. On Thursday, however, I filmed two classes – a total of about 6 presentations. and it just so happened that steve jobs was the one topic repeated twice over the two classes. the first class ended with a presentation about his skills as a speaker, and the second class began with it.
so i heard the quote twice over that period, and now three times over 4 days.

maybe God is trying to send me a message in such a way that i wouldn’t miss it… haha.
thanks, God.

the weekend had its fair share of highs and lows (fri late night was kinda a low, whereas sat/beg sun were highs..and then it kinda became middle. that, plus my tendency to overanalyze and distress, resulted in an emo late afternoon = – when i began this post)

God brought a friend online though, and she was nice enough to take time out of her tired and busy Sunday to listen (well read) and share her advice and thoughts. and now the latter part of Sunday is looking brighter, though the sky outside is darkening.

so again, thank You for this weekend =)