i… have too many <insert word here> (why does my brain not cooperate?) to keep track of =(
and it’s not even necessary. daily planner, monthly calendar, online calendar (why do i do this to myself..)

+ journal
+ thoughts from reading God’s Word

it’s all good, but… not necessary. except i can’t figure out how to consolidate and not waste so much time updating everything i can – neglecting xanga along the way.

so at stone on sunday, we learned that there are 3 general types of believers:
– head: superbrainy: absorb all sorts of knowledge from everyone (go to training classes, church, small groups, etc) but never do anything with that knowledge
– heart: superpassionate: believe that having a passion and heart for others
is all that matters; getting the ammo (knowledge, learning, etc)
through classes isn’t really necessary cuz hey, they have heart
– limbs (? hands + feet..): just want to do for others; help, take action, something

hm not sure why that last category is so..non explanatory haha. whoops.
but i can’t decide if i’m a head or a limb. can i be both?

i’m the kind of person who feels like i’m never ready, never good enough. so no matter how much knowledge i have with me, i don’t think its enough for me to step up and use it, because.. what if it’s not good enough? what if it’s not right enough?
and so i just keep going to classes, taking more and more, and never giving back. never reproducing. not being fruitful.

other times, i just want to do. just want to solve the problems people around me may have. whether that’s done with pure intentions or ulterior motives, i have yet to figure out. whether it’s done with the right reasons… that’s an even harder question..
because it seems like deep down (? or maybe my deep down intentions are the good ones..and midlevel not so good?) i listen because i want to know – to satisfy my human craving for gossip and knowledge and power. i do for the recognition – for the thanks, for the “i owe you”.
and in those times, i’m not using my ammunition. my heart is in the wrong place. but i do.

i do like serving others though; i just wish my heart and head would team up and do it for godly reasons..

another thing mentioned was our purpose for serving.. do we do it purely as a response to God’s love for us? because we are so overwhelmed by it we can’t help but respond by serving others? or do we do it to gain God’s love, because we feel like we aren’t good enough for it – we have to do good to try to repay our Savior?
and i… don’t know. i don’t know why i serve.
so i guess it’s a good thing i’m not in an official leadership position for AACM this year.. what if i did things for the wrong reasons? – well actually i felt that way towards the end last year..serving just to do. to keep up this image people may or may not have had of me.

maybe this year is when i finally take the time to grow to love God’s Word, when God wrenches my heart back to the place He intended it to be.

that’d be pretty nice =)