sooooo ridiculous…

i feel like.. the older i get, the more time i spend here, the more i miss my family when i come back. it’s like..i’m going back in time, back to being a little kid again (i guess my sis has greater influence than i thought). as i’ve mentioned to some’s like benjamin button — emotion-wise. bleh.

maybe it would help if the people i’m around here are the same people whom i would expect to be around back home…but they aren’t. well at least not now. and actually even if a few people are the same… it’s not the same. i dunno…

and if it’s like this now… wtheck am i going to do in the future, when it’s more long term?? not even in the far off future like when i was a kid and the far off future was an intruiging idea but not close enough to be comprehensible. man i miss those days…so much… but in a couple years. ughhh

or maybe it’s not really because i miss family so much (although i do), but because this upcoming semester seems to be the most hectic ever, with a full slate of business classes + recruiting with a less than stellar gpa (and not by asian standards, so don’t try to convince me that what i think is bad isn’t really bad -_-) + kinda wanting to get to know people here better but now i dunno….  (balance between school and life) + working some hours + volunteering some hours (and i’m lost at that too, even after 8 hrs of training today)
+ growing up/getting older + more responsibilities + … =

or it’s the thought of… i really don’t know if i want to do this for the rest of my school life, let alone the rest of my life….. but i will do it as long as i don’t get kicked out/ fail miserably (which isn’t that long of a shot, actually)………. i’m finally committed to the business world, to accounting. and, unless it gets better, to a lifetime of school/work gloom.

because i don’t think i’m depressed, contrary to what people may think, and i’m not really emo right now.. none of that deep dark angry brooding stuff. but more like… what happened to life? what happened to me? and that cloud of gloom leading to despair.  yes that’s a pretty good word.. despair.

does this mean i’m in wayyyyy wrong field???? or that this is the right one, but i just need to be more receptive of it?? what’s going on?????  why don’t i know…. after 2.5 years, you’d think i’d finally get a clue…

orr maybe it’s none of the above, but just everything piled on at once. stinks. why?

i thought spring 08 was one of the suckiest semesters of my life up till then. but the way this is starting out… it’s gonna have some competition.

actually, i feel better after this.. slightly. so there’s hope still..

ah well no matter what, i usually adjust after awhile – good or bad. just the starting blues i guess.. bleh.

God, please take this away from me and help me to accept life and choose the path You want for me. Tell me what i’m supposed to do…give me the motivation to pursue it, the persistence i used to have when i was a little kid. Help please….. and keep my family safe and sound in Your hands. Thanks =) Amen.

//wow so i just went through my subscriptions list and realized a lot more ppl than i expected were still daily subscribing… though maybe they stopped the emails (i hope so, at least)… anyways, since i didn’t talk to some of them and others were always just acquaintances – i guess it’s much like fb friending people you barely met and never really getting to know them so they’re just there, adding on to your friends count… but yeah i just went through and blocked a lot of them.. i would’ve just stopped their subscriptions if possible, but i didn’t know how to do that without blocking = //