the thing about being involved in a fellowship is that… it’s easier to have more meaningful conversations.. you don’t even have to know people well to be able to talk about some stuff that you’re struggling with, more than the “oh yeah school’s stressful.. weather’s bad” kinda stuff, you know? it’s easier to talk about goals for yourself or for the fellowship, easier, in a sense, to be “real”..

but then… how “real” are you when you talk about those “deep” topics with those people in the fellowship?  throughout this semester (it’s so strange that the semester’s already pretty much over), i find myself opening up to other people, especially with small group, nsm, 859, and one-on-ones with people to try to get to know them better… it’s easier to talk about some of my struggles, some of my hopes, some of the less-than-perfect circumstances i notice… but they now seem like superficial “deep” topics..although that in itself is oxymoronic…
i dunno how to explain it, but i feel like it’s rather easy to fake being deep nowadays… and then it’s like.. who can i truly be real with? i guess i can name some people, but because of this..fake deep-ness, i find it hard to tell the difference… so when i THINK i’m being real, am i really?

and on a tangent, yes i’m overly paranoid and cynical, but say.. you have a group of close friends.  well..a group of people who are your close friends. who you can share stuff with. but they’re not all close friends, so it’s more like individuals… and they have their own people to share with, their own groups, or their own individuals (who knows?) so what’s to stop them from sharing what you shared?  and not in a gossipy way, just… maybe they’re concerned or something, so they share about you to those individuals… it doesn’t sound bad, does it?  but i don’t think i’d be ok with that.. it’s just the nicer version of gossip… and i guess this forces me to look seriously at the people i feel i can talk to… do they have their own set of individuals/their own group?  because honestly, if they do, then i can’t (i don’t let myself/i don’t want to) be completely open to them anymore… cuz whether or not they do share, whether or not it’s done for the right reasons…i feel like i can’t trust them anymore.. or i can, i just don’t want to…

and on another tangent… i think in friendships/relationships, i care a lot about equality (from my point of view at least)… if i trust you enough to share with you that much about myself, then it would suck if it wasn’t reciprocated, you know?  if i make myself vulnerable to you, it’d only make sense if you were vulnerable to me, no?  i don’t care very much for one-sidedness…
but then again, this is from my point of view… if you don’t care about it as much, as in.. you share a lot and i don’t, but YOU DONT CARE that i don’t, then i’d be perfectly fine with that as well, as long as you don’t mind.  if you DO mind and start decreasing the amount shared, then i would understand, because if i didn’t, i’d be a hypocrite…

haha looking back at what i type, it seems like a lot of it is personal, like i’m thinking about specific people to whom i talk to when i write these things out.. but i’m pretty sure (~89.52%) i’m not.. it’s more aimed towards hypothetical people who might have those traits..
also, i think very logically…step by step.. if A, then B.. if B, then D..etc  i guess in my mind it works that way too.. i like having a flowchart/tree of where things lead, even if the paths get impossibly tangled and jumbled up because there are so many possibilities…but the general picture is good enough =)

coming up: 1 test (last grade of any sort in that class) tomorrow, 3 tests (2 last grades, 1 pre-final exam test) on thursday…..+ 2 finals in the 2 weeks after

<it’s so easy to find other things to do when i’m supposed to be studying…>

whoa i thought i posted about this earlier, but i guess i didn’t..
i think going home and spending all that time with family results in a more antisocial me.. i like being alone in the room, i like minimal talking through technology… i don’t mind phone either i guess, or individuals…
but it’s like.. i come back on campus, and upon going downstairs to drop off something, i run into all these familiar faces that just..tie back to school. maybe i’d be more comfortable if these were faces that tied back to home…i dunno… but i just got really..tired suddenly
i guess its the whole introvert vs extrovert thing… extroverts draw their energy from being around people, while introverts..don’t.  and yeah, it’s nice being around people sometimes, and being in aacm has given me the opportunity to meet and get to know a LOT of people..it’s fun waving to random people while walking around campus.. but on the flip side, if you kinda just wanna be alone, or “alone” in the sense of being around people you don’t know.. aacm makes that hard, too.  so yes, i’m a true introvert.. i get more energy when i’m by myself, and i guess i use that energy up when i’m around large groups…

(ok, no more edits..at least not until i’m done with my exam. xanga ban for the next 12 hours…)

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