man whatta looooong day!
but it was good =)

1100[wake up]
1140 breakfast
1200 refresher session
1245 videographing
1400 retreat rides mtg
1600[rest/lunch]
1700 meet early for buca
2015 return from buca/ head to hoedown
130 end hoedown

thank GOD for everything working out.. <must remember to dump stress and have faith>

and i got my exercise for the..week? month? *shrug*
dancing’s pretty strenuous…

ok to continue from that last post…
i think… i’ve lost my ability to confide in people..kinda. i’m sure if there was something really major or whatever, and there’s someone around who i can trust and all.. i’d be able to let it spill out
but at the moment, i think..because i haven’t done it that much – if at all – over this semester (and maybe over the summer too), i’ve.. forgotten how to? well not exactly, it’s just that i’ve gotten so used to small talk and talk about meaningless stuff that when people genuinely want to know what’s new in life, what’s troubling, how everything is.. i can’t come up with more than “oh it’s good” or “ugh i dislike hw” or something really dumb like that… and then there’s like a pause in the convo because rather than the deep realness.. it’s just.. superficial. and it’s not like there’s nothing to talk about, because there has to be. what kind of person has nothing real to say? i mean..seriously? if the deepest you get is talking about how tough homework is?  that’s kinda sad.. but i think because i haven’t done that in so long – except maybe to my mom – it’s all.. hidden somewhere, locked up, confined.  and even when i try to think about things to say, to escape this facade.. i can’t.. i want to, but i can’t.

[aside. stupid people coming back at 3:40 from clubbing or whatever nonsense.. it’s one thing to be loud, it’s another to be completely obnoxious. and lucky us, they live right across from us, and thus the entire rowdy group is right outside the door.  random dude, i don’t need to know that your female friend is being fake annoyed at your sophmoric actions and is using her “big booty” to fake spill your drink.  YES YOU ARE ALL BEING LOUD AND ANNOYING. and slamming the door multiple times to prove you don’t care doesn’t make you cool. it just makes me want to slam the door and hit your face or something -_-]

so yes, it’d be nice to have those deep talks when people ask about life.  and maybe i’ll get back there some day… hopefully i will.  because this feeling of being trapped and unable to speak isn’t very fun.. it gets.. suffocating, unfortunately…. and it’s not like i have a huge chunk of stuff to say that i keep to myself cuz i don’t trust anyone with the info.. i just.. don’t know what i have to say, don’t know what to say, don’t know what to talk about… i need the secret key to unlock whatever lock i have right now in my mind….it’s such a strange feeling, when close friends ask you to tell them about your life, and you’re just like.. “umm.. same… nothing new… lots of work coming up… [silence]” at least..i’m definitely not used to that, and i don’t want to get used to it…

looking forward to another lazy saturday =)
perhaps i’ll be productive and get stuff done…
too bad there’s always good tv on saturdays…

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