it’s funny – and a bit strange – how much..free-er i feel when i’m at home.. for whatever reason, i feel like i have all the time in the world to do whatever i want.  maybe it’s because i’m not in a dorm room, facing my books and notes (which, incidentally, i have finally learned to leave there whenever i come back), or maybe i just have more..space around here, with the living room, my bedroom, and the open room where my computer and other academic-related stuff sit, all available for me to wander.  maybe it’s just the old adage of home sweet home…

whatever the cause, i do a lot more with my time when here than back at school… probably because i’m not “busy” wasting it all away in front of my computer… i slept at 10something with jay leno on — i don’t even know why it was on, but my dad was watching the debate and i think he continued on to leno, and i didn’t want to change the channel on him.. and it was somewhat economy-related in a satirized manner, which made it slightly more interesting, but yeah.. next thing you know, it’s 3:30(?ish) and my dad’s still at his computer — now i realize he took a rather long nap in the afternoon, but at that point i was like..wtheck why in the world is he still up (since my family’s apparently been sleeping at 8:30-10pm on a regular basis so far this school year…maybe that’s why i’ve been sleeping relativly early — for me– this year as well) — and i close my eyes again and wake up a little closer to 4…
at which point i wake up and read “keeping faith” by jodi picoult (yeah i’m hooked on all her books), something i don’t do (and i don’t know why..) at UT.. i read so much when i’m back here, and i don’t read at all when i’m up there.. quite disappointing, as reading.. i dunno how to convey it, but i think it’s good for me =)  i guess it’s my break from reality, a break i can take at my own pace, unlike watching tv shows or movies.. when i read i can feel for and feel with the characters, sad when they’re down and rejoice when they do so too — i’ve read that being too immersed is unhealthy though haha so here’s another thing i’ll need to find balance for >.<

andddd i get time to reflect and write! well not technically write.. i have yet to start my journaling -_- which probably means i won’t be doing it anytime soon, unfortunately.. new year’s resolution, perhaps?  but at least i find time to xanga… AND it’s not even 8am yet!  it feels pretty good to have the whole day ahead.. too bad i tend to spend mornings sleeping in and waking up to find half the day gone.. it’s kinda hard to wake up early when i’m busy being a night owl..doing nothing actually.. so i’m pretty much just wasting time =(

ooh and i also ate out w/ my family yesterday night.  which is another area i’ve changed a lot over the past.. year?  i remember the end of high school and all throughout freshman year pretty much, where all i wanted to do was hang out with friends, especially whenever i came home.  home and family would just be a rest-stop, where i would spend a few moments while i was recuperating and getting ready for the next group/event.  i guess that’s what happens when you stay at home too much during elementary/middle/high school….
and then one weekend last year i realized i wasn’t being fair to my family, who does pretty much everything for me, and who is always there for me, during both highs and lows.  and no matter how close other people can get, no matter how good of friends people are (and i realize i’m sounding really cynical)… i don’t think they can do the same.  because their priorities will always be different.  which nobody can be blamed for, in the least.  and so now weekends home are always about family time, whether it be going out or staying home.  course, if my family ever gets tired of me, then i’ll kinda be stuck…  not to say i don’t like my friends or value them as high as before..i just think my thoughts and priorities, for better or worse, are slowly changing, evolving.  and if i get judged for that, then bully for them.  i don’t think i care much..

right now, something i’m trying desperately to grasp is that only God’s opinion matters.  it doesn’t matter if people think you suck or you’re amazing.. the feelings that result form hearing those opinions are only fleeting.  and depending on those people, they could change their opinions in the next moment, or eventually become neutral just because they lose touch with you.  so yeah, it feels good when you hear others think highly of you, but at the same time, frankly, it just doesn’t really matter in the long run.  not to say that i won’t enjoy hearing compliments or feel hurt at the criticisms, but i need to remember that those comments aren’t something to take with me wherever i go, if that makes sense…
of course, God speaks through people a lot, and He shows himself through others.  through wise counsel from those you know, through random smiles and encouragement or glares and mutters from those you don’t know … through life itself.
and thus, in addition to sticking to my priorities, i pray that by the end of the year, i’ll be more discerning, that i’ll learn to distinguish between God and man (not to sound blasphemous…)

wow. that was a whole spectrum of thoughts i just went through. cool =)
and guess what? it’s only 8:08AM.

oh yeah. i forgot to add… man my grades suck (so far) this year… uh oh haha

Advertisements