i want to:
1. learn guitar
2. learn drums
3. play piano for fun
4. take classes for fun – actually learn for the sake of learning
5. constantly converse about thoughts, about life
6. uncomplicate life
8. be content
9. be consistent
10. have peace of mind
and much more…
many times when i overanalyze and overthink — or maybe just plain analyze and think — i start seeing so many faults. i’m too proud, lack self-esteem, i’m too selfish, deceptive, manipulative, greedy. i want so many things — isn’t that being greedy? being selfish? wanting things for myself? but i don’t want to be this way, i don’t want to do things for myself, for my own selfish purposes, to boost my self-esteem, to feel satisfied temporarily based on the things in which the world places value. i want to do it all for the right reasons. i don’t want to seem like a good person, i actually want to be one. does this make any sense? but whatever i do, i always feel not exactly hypocritical, but a related word. others might see it as being helpful, doing it for the greater good, but deep down i feel i’m doing it for my own selfishness. and yet even as i write this, i feel like others will be encouraging – along the lines of “wow you’re trying to change” or “that’s good that you realize it” — not that it’s bad, but i don’t think it would help at the moment; i’m not looking for praise – i don’t WANT anything encouraging – i want to know how to fix it. because how would i know that these concerned comments aren’t what i’m aiming for in the end? am i writing this just for those reactions.? how do i escape this black hole, this neverending cycle?
and yes, i know “God is the answer.” i know God loves me no matter my faults. i know God loves me no matter what else happens in this temporary world. i know God is always faithful, always gracious, always everything. but i don’t need it as an excuse, as a reason to continue. there are many things i doubt, many things of which i am cynical, but God’s love is not one of these. God loves me and i should take this as a reason to change. but how?
am i overly critical? cynical? paranoid? do i think too much? i guess so. the frustrating part is, when i decide to type it all out, or when i want to explain it, there are times i feel there’s no one to explain it to, that nobody would want to know these thoughts. why bother trying? i’ll just waste other people’s precious time. additionally, there’s a feeling of not knowing how to explain it, not knowing how to put it all in words, in cohesive thought. i have so many random short thoughts floating around and i can’t…collect them and squish them together into one idea. so i end up thinking more, trying to form something, but the more i dwell, the less i remember what my first actual thought was.
and the result? a xanga entry somewhat schizophrenic, and very all over the place, like what you just read.