[edit 2.11.06] kudos to kathleen for understanding what i was trying to say in my own messed up, confusing way …and writing it out clearly (kinda) =P and to cindy for pointing it out lol
yeah. so its not really i’m acting differently because ppl see me differently, but just that i AM different around different people, so that’s how they end up seeing me.
err..seeing as i’m still making much sense… read crinoidea’s comment for better understanding.
and thx to those who made it clear how i can act in pretty much whatever manner and still be accepted =)


 


sometimes it feels as if i am three people. or four. or more. it’s not really what i do, or who i am, really. its more like…the people around me and how they affect me, my role in their universe. and i’m sure it IS who i am, despite negating that statement a few lines ago. i guess… different people see me differently. and it feels weird, because it feels as if i should act how that version of me would act, say the things that version of me would say, be the kind of friend/acquaintance that version of me would be.
sometimes, i don’t know WHO i should be, if that makes any sense whatsoever.


and that’s why i feel as if i am three or four or more people.


that’s why life has been weird lately**


that’s why i keep thinking about the past. again. and all the “what if”s.


well, that and the “life map” i was thinking of the other day. quite sad, cuz my life can easily be summarized in less than one page of paper, with arrows all over the place. but those arrows sure brought back old memories, both good and bad, moments of triumph and despair.


so really. “what is my purpose here on earth?”
a question brought up in church, though i believe it was meant to be thought of in a different manner. but no matter, as i’ve thought about this quite a lot after one conversation one day.


**when i’m not busy wasting time or panicking over school or thinking of ways to skip piano practicing (usually involving sleep) or looking for my missing internet =)

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12 thoughts on “

  1. Anonymous

    Simply, you’ve been affected by those around you to think you should act a certain way. And well, every life has its time of questioning, either once, or repeatedly. What you make with these questions is important, and the grand question of “why am I here?” takes a lifetime to answer absolutely. You can have a good idea now, but its not necessarily the choice or thought that would stay constant in your life. So don’t panic.I think college will be a good starters for you, and not in the confines of high school….in taking care of yourself, physically, emotionally, finantially, etc, you’ll have to gain wisdom to survive and live well. I think in this period you will find more direction, and if you find one, and if its not the one you wanted, do not despair.Okay?Much friendly love, (for I have established I am not gay >.>)Myra

    Reply
  2. tefene

    sigh* sometimes I feel that way too = have a great week at school though and maybe we’ll see each other in the hallways 😉 i ❤ you yanwingy! oh! and there’s this thing in the chinese classroom that looks sooo much like you!!

    Reply
  3. smyoGodlubsu

    aww..just be the real you…that is, be who you are comfortable being and the person whom you don’t care what people think about….if that made sense. don’t act, just do! we’ll love you any way you are! 😀 …and i’m sorrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy miss SENIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😛

    Reply
  4. SLA12345

    hey sounds like psychology!
    the class is pretty good. much more challenging than human geo..but human geo was fun. this class is pretty fun as well..
    adios

    Reply
  5. aussie_ch1ck

    dang it why do ppl have to comment before i do? grr…its like they’ve already said what i wantd to say.. =( oh wells so i guess just hear me out… 
    dont act the way you think i want u to act around me and just be yourself. The reason why I became really good friends with you is cus of ur loving heart (and yes its not a typo..i did say loving) haha and u make me laugh alot and understand or try to understand at least the many issues that i have and help me through them in ur yw way which may sometimes involve ignoring me or glares here and there XD but thats what i love about u so i hope that u dont think that u need to act a certain way around me or others. Cus im sure its the same with them, they love u the way u are.
    But yeh recently for the past month i’ve been feeling the same way too. Ionoz what it is exactly but its just the fact that i’ve been questioning friendships and since ur going to UT soon and w/o u,Nat1 and Koh1…its going to be totally weird and depressing. But yeah just cheer up and be urself . Btw guess what im listening to now? CHRIS TOMLIN XD

    Reply
  6. crinoidea

    My first comment on your xanga 🙂 But yeah, I do understand what you are saying. I think each person possesses within himself or herself the entire spectrum of personalities, but we just express varying portions of our inner selves due to experience, surroundings etc. Thus, when we are with different people, our “equilibrium” changes and we act differently (like me being around you… you always make me more hyper than usual because you are so calm and quiet). Yet that also implies you act differently around me than around other people (hard to imagine a different yanwing, being loud and…not sarcastic :P). And your question about why we exist…well, we each have to find our own answers, so I can’t really say anything about that. However, just remember to have fun while searching for the answer 🙂

    Reply
  7. XD_its_me

    yes. i don’t deserve a good grade in bio.so i hope this situation of…”three people. or four. or more” thing is resolved. but i know what you mean. i’m different people sometimes too.sry it took my a while to reply.

    Reply
  8. sweetxmiette

    thanks for the gl wishes! [=God has a purpose for you. just wait and you’ll be surprised to find what all he had in store.these teen years are years of discovery until we can better define ourselves and “know our roots”. of course, we will all act differently among different people at different times, but ultimately, it is the character in the inside that should prevail. good character, morals, and your trust will be the everything that God judges in the end. so once we can get that down, then we can find our true selves; we can learn all about who we are and what meanings are there for us.

    Reply
  9. Bluberryicycream

    Sigh, i thought i was the only person thinking of this question again and again.
    I play at least 2 roles, one in school and the other at home…sometimes i don’t know what i want anymore…so i know exactly how you feel

    Reply

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