k the other one was too long…well sorry, but here’s another one:
soo…for the past few weeks…i dunno…its been weird… its like i came back from camp on a high and then i just shut down…in a sense
like someone was asking..”do u guys even care?” well yeah, i guess i do, but its like i only care bout stuff in my mind…and even then its only for a short amount of time… i don’t do anything to help anyone and then im thinking … –ok so that didn’t make much sense…let’s try it over again…
in HS Nite, we’ve been talking bout injustice and stuff…well yes, its bad…i don’t like it…but me, being a lazy and selfish person, i forget or just push to the back of my head all these thoughts the second i leave the youth center…maybe even earlier than that… its like…if there’s not easy way to help, i’m not gonna do it. so if u’re reading this…when u looked at me and asked the question, i was thinking along the lines of this… i’d be willing to pay money but not to make the effort to actually help. or like…if someone signed me up for it, i’d probably go willingly and then have fun or w/e…but i wouldn’t be the one to sign up… even if i did, it’d probably be because of friends signing up…
which seems like the reason i do most things. it seems to me that i do things so that i don’t let others down, or because i don’t want their opinions of me to be lowered. i want to make a good impression, and because of this, i become superficial. i do things not for God’s glory, but for mine, for my reputation.
and its like…since ive come back…since summer school and all this stuff…which aren’t even valid excuses, given that i wasted so much time over these past few weeks instead of studying or doing homework…
my spiritual walk is gone.
as in… i don’t pray (except sometimes before eating…not even all the time), no devotionals/quiet times, no reading Bible (except in church, which doesn’t count)
my faith is still here, but how can i own it if my laziness, my habit of procrastinating, my not even trying are in the way? its like from the mesage two weeks ago. some people really want to grow, but they just don’t want to put in the effort. i’m like that. but right now, it feels like i don’t even want to grow. so now what? i guess…please pray for me? but i don’t try to make the effort– WHY???
i’m not trying to get pity or stuff like that, and neither am i trying to put up this Christian-y front – i actually feel this is a serious problem. Please pray for me, hold me accountable, give me guidelines. i think i want some of you to read it, but so i can get help, because i really don’t know anything now. its like the only effort i want to put forth is thinking. anything else, i’m too lazy.
PS. i guess this should be under protected, but i don’t want to pick 10 people to read it.