k the other one was too long…well sorry, but here’s another one:

soo…for the past few weeks…i dunno…its been weird… its like i came back from camp on a high and then i just shut down…in a sense

like someone was asking..”do u guys even care?” well yeah, i guess i do, but its like i only care bout stuff in my mind…and even then its only for a short amount of time… i don’t do anything to help anyone and then im thinking … –ok so that didn’t make much sense…let’s try it over again…

in HS Nite, we’ve been talking bout injustice and stuff…well yes, its bad…i don’t like it…but me, being a lazy and selfish person, i forget or just push to the back of my head all these thoughts the second i leave the youth center…maybe even earlier than that… its like…if there’s not easy way to help, i’m not gonna do it. so if u’re reading this…when u looked at me and asked the question, i was thinking along the lines of this… i’d be willing to pay money but not to make the effort to actually help. or like…if someone signed me up for it, i’d probably go willingly and then have fun or w/e…but i wouldn’t be the one to sign up… even if i did, it’d probably be because of friends signing up…

which seems like the reason i do most things. it seems to me that i do things so that i don’t let others down, or because i don’t want their opinions of me to be lowered. i want to make a good impression, and because of this, i become superficial. i do things not for God’s glory, but for mine, for my reputation.

and its like…since ive come back…since summer school and all this stuff…which aren’t even valid excuses, given that i wasted so much time over these past few weeks instead of studying or doing homework…
my spiritual walk is gone.
seriously stagnated.
as in… i don’t pray (except sometimes before eating…not even all the time), no devotionals/quiet times, no reading Bible (except in church, which doesn’t count)
my faith is still here, but how can i own it if my laziness, my habit of procrastinating, my not even trying are in the way? its like from the mesage two weeks ago. some people really want to grow, but they just don’t want to put in the effort. i’m like that. but right now, it feels like i don’t even want to grow. so now what? i guess…please pray for me? but i don’t try to make the effort– WHY???

i’m not trying to get pity or stuff like that, and neither am i trying to put up this Christian-y front – i actually feel this is a serious problem. Please pray for me, hold me accountable, give me guidelines. i think i want some of you to read it, but so i can get help, because i really don’t know anything now. its like the only effort i want to put forth is thinking. anything else, i’m too lazy.

PS. i guess this should be under protected, but i don’t want to pick 10 people to read it.


3 thoughts on “

  1. Anonymous

    This is deep. I understand. We know what hurts us, but somehow, we don’t find the initiative to let go. I know you have good motives. Maybe you should learn to be less submissive, but it speaks well that you refuse to let other’s down. You like to please people, not drag them down to the pits.Yesterday I was talking to this guy about growing up. He’s about 20 some…’growing up’ seems to be a standard too high, and practically overrated, he says. If this is what you are, comply to your nature or gradually grow up. Just don’t worry and live. God teaches only through time.We are our own saviors, sadly.I could always blame your attitude to the curse of the teenage years, but so many psychologists do that, so let’s break away from that habit huh?Phases, Permanent mindset, whatever, whatever. Breathe in, breathe out.Hell, why do we want to grow up too fast anyway, right?

  2. aussie_ch1ck

    its ok yw! i understand what u are going through cause i’ve kinda been there myself believe it or not… 🙂 and i will pray for ya! its just sometimes we tend to get so lazy when it comes to these things and yet we dont get too lazy for internet  and all… :thumbsup: but hey at least unoe the troubles u are going through and that u realised that u needed help and i will be glad to help u  🙂
    going to mexico was something tough and my mum reminded me that i shouldnt go because my friends are going (cept she didnt understand thats not the reason why i wanted to go) but hey just remember Jesus gave up his reputation and instead he was humiliated in front of people and he just focused on God. I think thats the most important thing of all is to just say WWJD and focus on God ,don’t care what people around you say because you want to be different and dont wanna follow the world and pplz who have chosen to follow the world and not God. Thats the hardest step to take (well for me that is) well relax while u can in singapore and Cali!!! =) missing u already


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